Sunday, June 7, 2009

Get Ready To Win Ex Girlfriend Back After She Dumped You

For some who have been dumped, understanding how to win ex girlfriend back can be a major problem and to be honest without a specific plan, most never figure out how to get their ex girlfriend back.

If you're one hundred percent sure that you want to win ex girlfriend back then your first job is to read through this article and then take the action suggested.

Without a doubt you'll get nowhere if you don't stop and think about what you're doing. Running around making grand gestures, as many do, is a quick way to losing your ex girlfriend for good. So if you've been sending designer perfume, booking romantic meals out, you need to stop that now and reflect.

Break off all communication with your ex and leave her alone. She has dumped you for a reason and if you want to win ex girlfriend back, then ignoring her wishes will only send her in the opposite direction. So accept that by leaving you she has expressly and physically demonstrated her need for some time and space on her own and honor that.

Instead, spend the time away from her thinking about what went wrong and what was your role in the breakup. If you made a mistake that caused the breakup, don't waste time beating yourself up and feeling sorry for yourself. Instead take a long hard look at your behavior and take the necessary steps to change whatever needs changing.

Do you have anger issues? If you do then you should seriously consider talking to a professional who can help you cope with this and find different ways of expressing anger that do not threaten or cause harm.

Are you struggling with trust issues to the point that you were constantly wanting to know where your ex girlfriend was and who she was with? Work on building up your own self-esteem and self-confidence, because usually that is what is missing in cases like these.

Did you find yourself cheating on her even though you loved her? Well then take the time to find out why you were doing that and what you can do to stop temptation when it next comes along.

The truth is whatever the reason she walked out on you, to win ex girlfriend back you're going to have to do some serious and some honest and sincere work. If she has gone as far as walking out, then a flimsy gesture to get her back won't work. Believe her actions: she is ready to put your relationship on the line if things don't change.

Tips On How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Getting dumped by your boyfriend is no fun and if you're still in love with him then you're probably desperately trying to find help on how to get your ex boyfriend back. Following the tips I'm about to outline for you is a great start that will set you on the right road to winning him back.

The worst thing that you can do in your quest to understand how to get your ex boyfriend back, is to get desperate and needy. Desperate and needy spells out of control and high maintenance. Boyfriends hate out of control and high maintenance because it means they never know what you'll do and where you'll do it and so they're never at ease. Letting your ex boyfriend see that you're out of control is a surefire way to drive him away, so if this is you, you need to stop.

Not only that in this state, you hand over far too much power to your ex boyfriend and you could find yourself taken advantage of big time. So if you want him back, don't set yourself up for a possibly painful and frustrating time.

What you should also avoid is to make yourself too readily available to your ex as you try and work out how to get your ex boyfriend back. Show him that you value and have pride in yourself and that you're not sitting home waiting for him to call. Get out and about and show him that you've got your life together and that you've taken the breakup in your stride. Having him believe anything else makes your goal to get him back an up hill battle that you will probably lose. So don't sit at home obsessing about what he might or might not be up to. Get yourself out!

If you want to get him back, make sure that you're looking after yourself. After all, you need to give him something to want to come back to and that means not letting yourself go. Instead of staying home consoling yourself with chocolate and soda make sure that you hit the gym and keep on hitting it! Start eating healthily and be sure you're always looking your best when you're out and about. Not only will all of this make you look good, but it will do the world of good for your self-esteem which has no doubt taken a huge blow through all of this.

Now everything outlined works together, so if you're after the best results don't apply each step in isolation. They all impact on each other and that's how you should use these steps when you're trying to understand how to get your ex boyfriend back.

How To Get Girl Back If Youve Been A Jerk

A few situations in life are a huge struggle and one of them is how to successfully get girl back and keep her after you've messed up big time!

So what did you do? Did you cheat? Were you neglectful? Selfish? Or just unlucky? The questions could go on. Whichever or whatever you did, if you seriously want to get girl back, you're going to have to sort yourself out!

It's no doubt going to be tough for you, but I'm going to suggest something counter-intuitive: leave her alone! Give her some time to herself. You never know, she might well realize that she misses you and agrees to starting up the relationship again all on her own. Don't dismiss this possibility, even if all looks lost right now, equally don't cling to it as a possibility. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't!

However, if what you need to get girl back is a much more direct and hands on approach then again, take some time out and use that time to get your head straight. By default, you give her some time to think also and put the whole thing into much needed perspective.

So, find your friends and spend time with them. Make sure you're not pestering her with emails and texts and accidentally trying to bump into her in the places where you know she hangs out. This will only back fire on you and ruin your chances of getting her back, because she'll only become annoyed with you.

If you neglected her, missed her birthday, hardly ever took her out, then you need to seriously look at that behavior. No girl worth her salt is going to put up with such behavior. A girl wants and needs, to be taken out and made a fuss of. She needs to know that you want to be with her for more than the obvious. If you fail to show her that, then she will walk and find a guy who can show her that.

If all that you did was hang around with your friends and ignored her wishes, then again, you're going to have to understand that this is not the way to treat a girl. If you're sure that you want a girlfriend then it's time to fix up, look good and look sharp! Start acting like she's important to you.

To get girl back you now need to show her that you have understood her needs and you are ready and prepared to meet those needs. Don't mess up and try and get her back under false pretenses. It won't work for long and maybe when she leaves the next time, she'll be gone for good.

I Dumped Boyfriend And Now I Want Him Back

So you were dating a guy you really liked and then one day you noticed a tiny little issue about him that you didn't really like and you dumped boyfriend! Just like that! Out of the blue! But have you really dug down deep to try and understand why you dumped boyfriend?

Perhaps you've told yourself that it was the way he ate his food? Or the way he laughed or perhaps even something as earth shattering as the way that he walked? Whatever it was that made you turn around and end up with a dumped boyfriend, boy are you regretting it now because now, you want him back. But here's the thing he wants nothing to do with you and everything that you've tried so far to get him back, as failed.

Well, have you tried just leaving him alone for a while? Because pretty much you've hurt his feelings big time and he's doubtless feeling humiliated. If you've been calling him 24/7 and he's just not picking up, then that's a clear indication that he needs you to leave him alone.

So instead of bombarding him with text messages and calls, give him some space and take a look at the real hidden reasons that might have caused you to wake up one morning with a dumped boyfriend.

Truth is some girls have been known to 'test' the relationship by ending it to see if their boyfriends will put up a fight for them and the relationship. If this is what you did, then this is basically flawed behavior. Not only that, ask yourself why you would even want to put someone who you clearly have feelings for through the upset of a breakup?

Usually anyone who tries to manipulate someone to this extreme, has deep rooted self-esteem issues that they should really think about working out. Your self-esteem is really the inner you. If you are suffering from low self-esteem then the little voice in your head often shouts negativity at you and tells you that you are just not good enough. Take the time to address this and you will be far happier.

To win back a dumped boyfriend you're going to have to clearly work on yourself. No self-respecting boyfriend wants to be around someone who is high maintenance and doesn't know her own mind. In future, make sure you're one hundred per cent sure about what you are doing and why you are doing it.

Instead of dumping the guy, why not sit and talk to him about your fears and your insecurities. He will think more of you if you are honest with him, rather than if you simply lash out on a whim and dump him for what appears to be no good reason.

To Get Back With Ex Face Up To Your Mistakes

To get back with ex after you've made mistakes, means you're no doubt going to have to face some hard home truths! As sure as eggs is eggs making mistakes in relationships means you have to fix them and apologize for those mistakes before there can be any making up.

When you decide you want to get back with ex, you must be ready to face not only what has gone wrong with the relationship, but also your part in the break down of the relationship. If you made mistakes then don't beat yourself up for that. We all make them, it's what you do after the mistake that's important.

So sit down on your own and take some time to go through what happened and what were the issues that led up to what happened. Don't concern yourself too much with what you see as your ex's mistakes, leave that for the future. Only concern yourself right now with what you can influence.

Whatever mistakes you find in your past behavior, can they be forgiven? Don't be too eager to get down on yourself and believe that your mistakes are basically unforgivable. You would be surprised at the situations that couples find themselves in and that they later recover from. So don't think that your mistakes are beyond forgiveness. There is always hope!

Try and pin point what was happening in your life at the time that led you to make the mistakes, especially if it was completely out of character for you. Remember what I said about facing hard truths, if you want to get back with ex, then you need to do this.

You might discover that you were under certain stresses and strains. Perhaps you were under threat at your job? Or you weren't physically feeling yourself? Or perhaps there were other family issues. Whatever you find when you look back at what happened, you will eventually need to sit down with your ex and explain in detail just what you have found.

If your mistakes were the result of you just being thoughtless or selfish, then this is something about you and your character that can quite easily be fixed. It will take ongoing monitoring but if you are sincerely committed to get back with ex, then it is going to be worthwhile.

When you have come to the point where you have begun to gain perspective about your mistakes, then call your ex and arrange to meet. It is usually better to arrange a face to face meeting somewhere public and neutral because then there is less chance of either of you becoming emotional.

So, make sure that you stay calm and focused on what you want to say. Apologize and ask for forgiveness and then listen carefully to what your ex has to say.

Friday, May 29, 2009

How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

It seems that every week we learn about another politician, sports star or celebrity caught having an extramarital affair. But public figures are hardly the only ones guilty of infidelity. Surveys show that between 40% and 60% of husbands and between 30% and 50% of wives will be unfaithful at some point during their marriages.

Loneliness is the most common cause of infidelity. Almost everyone who enters into marriage does so intending to remain faithful to his/her partner, but long-term relationships are difficult. Partners often drift apart. The romance and the excitement of the initial period eventually ends. Many people do not know how to recover the closeness of a relationship once it fades, so they look outside the marriage for the fulfillment that they no longer receive at home.

The secret to a fulfilling and faithful long-term marriage is maintaining "emotional intimacy" -- openness, trust, communication and caring between partners. When spouses feel this ­intimate closeness, they are unlikely to cheat.

Emotional intimacy is not just one skill -- it is a combination of several different abilities...


In order to have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone else, you first must understand your own emotions. Men in particular tend to pay insufficient attention to their emotions.

What to do: Take one to two minutes a few times a day to ask yourself three questions -- What emotion(s) am I feeling right now? What specific situation is causing me to feel these emotions? What, if anything, do I need to do about this situation to take care of myself?

Example: I’m feeling anger... I’m feeling it because that guy cut me off on the highway... The best thing I can do to take care of myself is let the anger go.

Run through these questions two or three times each day for 60 days and you will become much more aware of, and in charge of, your own emotions.


All couples fight, but couples with emotionally intimate marriages fight productively. They don’t just try to win arguments -- they listen to their partners and come to understand their points of view, even if they do not agree.

What to do: When you are at odds with your spouse, try an established technique called Initiator to Inquirer or I to I. One spouse serves as "initiator." This spouse raises a troubling issue and shares his feelings and opinions on the matter. The initiator presents these thoughts as his perspective on the situation, not as the only way to look at it.

Example: The wife, as the initiator, says, "I felt hurt because it seemed to me as if you intentionally were trying to hurt my feelings," rather than "You intentionally hurt my feelings."
The other spouse’s role is "inquirer." He is to repeat back the substance of what the initiator has said to show that he has heard and understood. The inquirer then asks questions that aid in understanding.

The inquirer is not allowed to question the validity of the initiator’s feelings. When the desire to do so arises (and it will), the inquirer should silently remind himself that "this is not about me... it is only about my partner’s perspective on the situation, and it is important for me to understand this perspective." When the initiator has had her say, the partners can switch roles.

Avoid distractions during I to I time, and do not try this when one or both of you are exhausted.
This will not be a comfortable process at first, particularly if lots of negative feelings exist between you and your spouse. If you practice it two or three times each week for about 20 minutes at a time, it can become a very useful process for working through the marital conflicts that could lead to unhappiness. You and your partner will get good at fighting productively, which will end up bringing you closer.


Being in love with your partner is not enough to prevent infidelity. You also must show your love and affection in the ways that your partner needs. Even a well-meaning spouse can run into trouble here if he fails to realize that the type of affection he is providing is not the type that his partner desires. Types of marital affection include...

Verbal. How often do you tell your partner that you love him? How often do you express your gratitude for the things your partner does for you?

Actions. How often do you do things just because your partner enjoys having them done? This might include buying a gift or doing some favor or chore for the partner that goes beyond your normal responsibilities.

Physical (nonsexual). How often do you hold hands, hug or kiss your partner? How often do you provide foot massages or back rubs?

Sexual. How often do you have sex with your partner?

What to do: Do not assume that your partner desires the same types of affection that you do or that you know what your partner needs because you have been together for years. Come right out and ask your partner what types of affection he/she would like you to provide more often. Get specifics. Then communicate your own needs. Do not take it personally if your partner says you have not shown enough affection. This reflects the partner’s personal affection needs, not your own shortcomings.

Example: A man thinks he shows his wife plenty of affection by buying gifts, holding hands and helping out around the house. His wife feels he is never affectionate, because she wants verbal affection and he never says, "I love you."

If you fail to provide the types and amounts of affection that your partner considers appropriate, your spouse may stray. Provide the desired affection, and your spouse is less likely to seek it from others.

To tell or not to tell

My patients who have had or are having extramarital affairs often ask me if they should tell their spouses about the affair. I tell them that if the affair is ongoing and you have no intention of ending it, then you must. Infidelity is a major violation of marital trust, and the very least you owe your partner is the opportunity to deal with the violation as he sees fit, whether that means divorce, separation, couples therapy or something else.

If your infidelity has ended and you have no intention of repeating it, it might be better to leave the past in the past. Do not confess to unfaithfulness simply because it will feel good to get it off your chest. Telling your spouse could cause more pain and problems than it solves.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Steven D. Solomon, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in La Jolla, California. He has more than 20 years of experience in couples therapy. He is past president of the San Diego Psychological Association and coauthor of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger).

Thursday, May 28, 2009

How To Win Back Lost Love

If you’ve had a break-up, you’re probably either trying to figure out how to get over the person, or how to win back lost love. Neither is very easy, but most people fall to one or the other, with only very few able to move on quickly without pining or wishing things could be different. You should really think hard about the relationship and your ex before you do anything. Think about how things were and how they will be now. Try to be as unbiased as you can. You might decide that the break-up really isn’t a bad idea.

If you decide to try to win back lost love, the first step is to apologize. You might think you’ve done this. You might have said you were sorry several times. But if your ex thought you were apologizing just to stop a break-up, he or she might not think the apology was sincere.

If you were the one who did something that you need to apologize for, apologize again. Now they might think the apology is sincere, because nothing hinges on it. If the relationship has ended, you won’t be saying it only to save it but they will believe that you really mean it. (And hopefully, you do.)

When your ex was the one who did something worth apologizing for, then rather than try to get a sincere apology from them, forgive them. You may never forget, especially if your break-up was because of cheating, but you must learn to forgive. Forgiving is much harder for some of us than merely saying, “I forgive you,” though, so you might want to read a book or two on forgiveness and how to really mean it. If you want to win back lost love, this step will help you do it. And it can help prevent problems in the future, too.

If you do succeed and you win back lost love, 3 or 6 or 9 months into the newly patched relationship, old issues might come up. If you haven’t forgiven the person for whatever was done to break up the relationship, then you might have a hard time getting past everything. Old wounds would be reopened and it’s likely that hurtful things would be said.

But if you can truly forgive the person, then there won’t be any need to rehash the past. While you’re working on forgiving him or her for whatever happened to cause the break up, forgive them for the break up itself and you’ll save yourself lots of grief down the road.

Also, to win back lost love, show the person the "you" they fell in love with, not the “you” that has been dumped. They were with you because you have certain qualities—kindness, thoughtfulness—not because you’re angry, jealous or hurt. While you might not be able to hide the hurt, concentrate on being the best "you" you can possibly be and you may win back lost love by reminding them why they loved you in the first place.

Dont Wait How To Get Over Someone Fast

When a relationship ends, especially if you're not the one who ended it, how to get over someone becomes very important. It’s not always easy to get over a person you’ve been with, though. If you’ve been with that person for a very long time it’s even harder. It might be pretty easy to get over a relationship that’s lasted 3 months. But if you've been with someone for 3 years, it's hard to get over that person at all, let alone get over them quickly. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to speed up the process.

When you're wondering how to get over someone, sit in a chair in your living room or bedroom, wherever there’s a very strong sense of the other person. Remove anything that reminds you of that person a great deal. This isn't always easy to do, but every little bit helps. If you've bought a dog together, for instance, of course you won’t want to get rid of the dog. But anything your ex bought for you that’s on display like a knick-knack or something hanging on the wall would be a good thing to remove for a while.

If you have lots of things that will remind you of your ex, you're probably wondering how to get over someone without making your rooms completely bare. But even if you picked out practically everything together, you don’t have to remove everything to make this work. Just choose items that have particularly strong memories.

Maybe you picked out the couch together, but it's one of the throw pillows that you bought or the figurine on the end table he or she gave you as a gift that seems to make you feel sad when you look at it. Remove those items and store them for a while, just to make things easier on you.

If you’re having a really hard time and feel that you can handle it, you can think of all your ex’s bad qualities. Of all the methods of how to get over someone, this is the one where you actually think of your ex the most, so if just the very thought of them brings you to tears you might not be ready for this step. Think of the things you disliked the most about them. If you can’t thing of anything, just move on. But most of us can come up with a long list of things we dislike about someone, especially if they were the ones to end the relationship.

A popular method of how to get over someone is to simply start dating again. Many people balk at this idea—they think they still love the ex and aren’t ready. You can do this even if you’re still in love with your ex. No one says you have to fall in love anytime soon. But dating or even going out with friends isn’t just how to get over someone, it’s how to keep from feeling sorry for yourself while you try.

Heartbroken Poem To Help You Heal

If you’ve ever been through a sad break-up with someone you’ve love, you may have written a heartbroken poem. You may have even written such a poem for things like the loss of a pet or a family member, sadness at moving away from your friends, or any number of sad life events. But it seems nothing inspires such sad poetry as a break-up or divorce. Just as few things inspire love poetry quite like being in a happy, loving relationship.

Poetry is an excellent medium for self-expression. Unless you’re writing poetry with the hope of having it published one day, you can write poetry however you like. It doesn’t have to be good poetry. You don’t have to understand any of the poetic terms or conventions like rhyme, meter or free verse. You don’t even have to have ever read a really good poem in your life to write a heartbroken poem that can help you feel better and maybe help you heal from the pain of a break-up.

An important early step in getting over a break-up or any sad situation is simply facing the pain. While it might feel better to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation, you can’t really move past it without facing it and feeling the pain, at least for a while. So facing up to whatever painful situation is happening is necessary. A heartbroken poem can help you deal with those painful feelings when you’ve split with someone you love.

Don’t worry about whether it’s good or not. No one else ever has to read your heartbroken poem. It’s for you and you alone. Just write down your feelings, as hard as that may be. You can write in plain language. Don’t try to imitate the poets of the 17th and 18th century. Write like you talk, and break the lines where it feels natural to you. In fact, you can start by writing one huge paragraph filled with all your feelings and everything you want to express, just to get it out. Then you can go back and arrange your thoughts and feelings into a poem.

Once you’ve written a heartbroken poem, you might want to write more about different parts of the pain. That’s good. Get down everything you can, and that will help you to face the pain. Writing the poetry will probably be a very emotional time for you. Don’t try to stop it. Just let the pain out and you’ll be better able to move on.

If you decide you want to share your heartbroken poem, you can show family or friends. Or if you want to share it but not with anyone you know, you can put it online. There are websites designed just for such things. You can upload your poetry for free and let other people know if you want to receive criticism or not. You might opt to not receive comments on your heartbroken poem and just enjoy the fact that you’ve shared your experience.

Get Your Partner To Agree To Relationship Counseling

Relationship counseling is often a last resort for couples on the brink of the divorce. But some couples try counseling early on when the first problems rear their heads. Counseling is certainly something that a couple shouldn’t be afraid to try, even if the problems are relatively minor. Often, catching small problems early with counseling can prevent bigger problems down the road. Early counseling can even something prevent a future divorce.

Today’s couples seem more eager to try to new things, which makes counseling a good option. Couples married years ago seem less likely to go for counseling or try new approaches, perhaps because it wasn’t something commonly done when they were younger. Very often marriages of 30 or 40 years now end in divorce, which is a shame because they’ll never know if relationship counseling could have helped save the marriage.

If you feel like you need relationship counseling, be sure to as your partner to go to counseling with you in a non-judgmental way. If you ask him or her to go to counseling in such a way as it seems like you are accusing them of being the problem and needing counseling, you’re likely to encounter resistance to the idea. Try to make it clear that you want the counseling for yourself if nothing else.

If you ask your partner to go to counseling because you have some issues you need to work on, they’re more likely to view the idea favorably. Explain that you think you need some help to be able to contribute more to the relationship, and to learn how to be a better partner or spouse. Don’t accuse the other person of need counseling. Even if you believe that they are most of the problem, don’t say so. Once you’re in relationship counseling, they will learn tips and techniques for being better within the relationship, just as you will.

Don’t be afraid to suggest relationship counseling, whether you’ve been in the relationship for 3 months, 3 years or two decades. It’s never too late to try counseling to resolve problems. And it’s never too late to try to keep small problems from becoming big ones. If the relationship is relatively new, you might think that you’re admitting to problems and admitting that the relationship is rocky by suggesting counseling. But that’s not true. But facing any obstacles now, you’re making the relationship stronger in the long run.

If your partner believes that your suggestion of relationship counseling means that the relationship isn’t perfect, and maybe even is doomed, calmly explain that that isn’t true. Just because you’re willing to admit that everything is perfect shows that you’re willing to make necessary changes to keep the other person and yourself happy.

If your partner refuses, go on your own. While the counseling would work best if both of you go, you can go and work on things to improve yourself. If your partner sees you going to relationship counseling, they’re more likely to give it a try.